JAWS, Through the Eyes of the Innocent

Show me the way to go home, I'm tired and I want to go to bed. I had a little drink about an hour ago and it went right to my head. I never get tired of that scene, never get tired of the movie.

Our family watches it all the time. We have JAWS on VHS, we've never updated to DVD, it's always on TV. The family, all together one Sunday, including a couple girlfriends, we were deep into "movie" conversation. JAWS of course being the classic that it is started to dominate the conversation. Boy #2's girlfriend was quiet, too quiet. She explains to us she's never seen it. The hell you say! Boy #3 and I torn apart the spare room looking for the JAWS tape, Boy #1 and the husband made fun of her and Boy #2 started wiring the VCR to the TV again.
To actually find someone that has never seen JAWS and to be able to watch it with them as they see it for the first time, well that's huge. Then add the fact that the girlfriend is packing to go on an ocean cruise with her family, that's just priceless.
She's a screamer. She was sitting in a chair and Boy #2 was sitting on the floor, she kept smacking him on the head saying, "Oh my God!" He eventually put his football helmet on.
We haven't watched the uncut version of JAWS in so long we had forgotten how much Quint was chewed up. No wonder my cousin had nightmares after she saw it at the theater when she was 12. She thought the shark was going to come out of her toilet. It's time to upgrade to DVD and have some more people over to scare.

Our Golden Tickets

It all started with free Cleveland Indians Baseball tickets, a magical, summer evening of baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet. There are tickets to baseball games out there in the world that come with free food. I know all about the loge tickets, those are not what I'm referring to.
In the stadium, up the escalator, the unfortunate fans that had to pay for their food, took a left, we Golden Ticket holders turned right. Glass doors were opened for us, tickets checked, paper bracelets were double sticky taped around our wrists and we were ushered into a cornucopia of stadium food. Imagine going to a baseball game hungry, wondering what to have and then realizing you can have everything. There was a hamburger and hot dog grill with french fries, a nacho stand, a pasta bar, pizza and sticking out like a sour thumb - a carved beef station, holy crap carved beef! All the snack foods were well represented, popcorn, peanuts, cotton candy and hot pretzels.
Along for the feeding frenzy ride with me were the husband, Boy #2 and Boy#3. None of us stayed in our seats very long. We would glance at each other and say, "What do you feel like eating now?" The people in the bleachers were trying to get "The Wave" started in the stadium but it stopped when it got to our section. We were just to bogged down with food to bother standing up and lifting our arms.
In the middle of all the food was a pop machine (I'm from Ohio, we call it pop not soda and I refuse to conform) the nozzles went on forever, Pepsi flavors to the left and right of me. But this proved to be the trickiest part of the evening. We should have just stood back and observed, but we jumped right in. No lines formed for this little slice of heaven, the object was to stand back and stick your arm in and fill you glass, more pop could flow this way. Eventually we caught on and didn't look like morons standing in front taking up space. Boy #2 must've drank him fifteen Dr. Peppers.
Needless to say we ate and drank our fill. There was a baseball game going on too, we watched some of that. Did I mention the ice cream parlor?

Starbucks Across From a Starbucks

When I heard in the news that Starbucks plans to close 600 of it's stores, I immediately thought of Lewis Black.

So if you are planning on visiting the end of the universe, you better hurry.

Exorcism Squads

I heard on the news today that Pope Benedict XVI has said there needs to be more exorcisms performed in the world. Well it's about damn time. I haven't seen a good exorcism since about 1973. This is good news for entertainment bloggers, there's nothing on TV in the summer.

Of course we'll need a few volunteers to film the live exorcisms and post them on YouTube. I'm a little skittish or I would do it. The news failed to tell us when the barrage of exorcisms would start, I would imagine there is some recruiting and training involved. You really don't see exorcist on many resumes. Nevertheless be on the look-out for an Exorcist Squad coming to your town this summer.

Tuesday Night Bull-Crap

You'd think I'd have more time to post with nothing on TV in the summer. Wait a minute........ I blog about television, there's nothing on television.........
You can see where I'm having the problem. Actually the husband has taken control over the remote this summer and who can blame the poor guy after last fall and my wild viewing schedule.
I wouldn't mind watching America's Got Talent, because let's face it, it's a bloggers dream. I watched the last seven minutes of it last week and realized what a hyped-up, phoney baloney, plastic banana, load of crap show it was - only seven minutes. There's the audience cheering their heads off for someone who is suppose to be unknown, yet they knew his name. We, the viewing audience are told his life story. He was left raising his brothers and sisters after his mother left them, because she was being abused by the father. I'll let that sink in a minute..........

She left her children with their abusive father, got it?

I don't even know this guys name, but he's about to make it big on America's Got Talent and guess what? Momma came home! Awesome!

It's that kind of bull-crap I'm missing every Tuesday night.

In Plain Sight

On rare occasions the husband and I find a television show that we both enjoy watching. It doesn’t happen often, but we have agreed on In Plain Sight. I think the husband likes to see where, Mary, the main character that is a US Marshal, will hide her Blackhawk holsters. One time, under a bridesmaid dress. One reason I watch is to see Raphael without his shirt. The episode last night had me questioning the Witness Protection Program and the liberties television will take. It was my understanding that when in the Witness Protection Program you were hidden, you know from the people that wanted to kill you. But this episode had a high school basketball player on his way to the Pro’s. Huh? He’d be on TV!

Jesus! Celebrity Family Feud?

I voluntarily watched Joan Rivers last night on Celebrity Family Feud. What the hell is wrong with me? Gah!!! Clearly I have too much time on my hands. Four different "families" played for charity. We will use the word family loosely, because if they needed exposure they were part of the family. Wayne Newton seems to relish in the celebrity roll since appearing on Dancing With The Stars or likes to embarrass himself. And he still has no eyelids. He and Joan Rivers are a walking billboard for "the gruesome effects of too much plastic surgery."
Ice "T", his family and his wife's boobs were on the show too. The very first question asked was, "Name something that is slippery and hard to hold on too." The answer that Ice "T" gave, had to be bleeped out. Nice. Did I mention his 16 year old son was playing? Oh and his mother-in-law?

After watching Celebrity Family Feud one has wonder if the actors going on strike might be a good thing.

Paradise By The Dashboard Light

Quite possibly the greatest album of all time, at least according to me. I've been listening to Bat Out Of Hell since I was a kid. I had the album, had the cassette and now the CD and I will buy whatever is next. Unless of course Meat Loaf continues to ruin the songs one by one with mobile phone commercials.
Boy #2 had my car over the weekend, he used up my gas and rearranged my CD's. I couldn't find my mix CD so I popped Bat Out Of Hell in the CD player, I hadn't listened to it in a while. When I heard Paradise By The Dashboard Light that stupid commercial stuck in my head, gaaah! Meat Loaf, buddy it's a classic, not meant to sell Go Phones. Sell Go Phones door to door if you have to, work at McDonalds to make a living but leave Bat Out Of Hell the classic album that it is, alone. Paradise By The Dashboard Light is ruined for me forever, damn.

Reality TV: Okay That's Enough

Hey, I'm a Reality TV fan, really. But damn. Celebrity Circus? Please, stop the madness. I watched a whole painful hour of that show. (I missed the first half hour because Boy #2 talked me into watching the movie Crank. Not a movie for a mother and her son, plus a his girlfriend to be watching together. I'm not going to talk about it.)

Celebrity Circus, and they use the word celebrity loosely, has about six or seven "celebrities" performing circus acts and they are judged by a know-it-all, uptight, woman acrobat with some kind of accent, some guy in the middle and a gay guy. Peter Brady broke his arm in training, some other woman broke her rib and Joey Fatone, our host, asked them, "why go on?"
"So we can get a great job like you got Joey, after you were on Dancing With The Stars. Look at you all dressed up in a red coat with tails and a top hat."
Okay so they didn't say that. They stressed how they didn't quit and stuff. I can't watch this anymore. I worried about Peter Brady falling on his head and I'm a little tired of seeing Rachel Hunter on every Reality TV show that comes down the pike. And what the hell happened to Antonio Sabato, Jr.'s career that he has to be on Celebrity Circus?

Let's Move an Island, It'll Be Fun

By now if you are a LOST fan you've seen the final 2 hour episode. So you don't need me to tell you what happened. But you do need to know what I thought of it. Any LOST episode is worth the price of admission to me, if Sawyer has his shirt off. Which he did. Oh................. Baby. He jumped off the "losing fuel" helicopter to lighten the load so the rest of the passengers could get to the safety of the freighter that was about to blow up. He lost his blood splattered shirt on his swim back to the beach where he found Juliette chugging a bottle of Dharma Rum and staring at the blown up freighter. She was bummed, she's never getting off Craphole Island and she knows it.

The six that did get off the island apparently have to go back, Jack was right, according to Ben. In the flash-forwards we get to see Claire and she orders Kate not to bring Aaron back. So you can safely bet the farm that Kate will. Hurley is comfortable in the mentally challenged house playing chess with an invisible Mr. Eko, it was good to almost see him again, when Sayid creeps in after killing someone that was watching the place. Sayid tells Hurley they are leaving for somewhere safe. The safety and comfort of his tent on Craphole Island I'm sure of it. Locke is the person in the coffin and I didn't see that coming until I read the spoilers a couple days before the episode, whoa. I was sure it was going to be Michael, but he was blown up instead, after Jacks dead father told him he could go now.
Ben successfully moved the island as you can see in the picture, see that big empty ocean? Thats where the island use to be. Doh! And Ben was really pissed at Jacob the Invisible. Because Jacob the Invisible is the one that came up with the great idea to move the island. The one that moves it can't come back - Ben.

I plan on harping on this 2 hour season finale a few times over the summer, into the fall and part of the winter, until we can see the new season of LOST. Trust me there is enough blogging material from this last season to get me through the long freakin wait.

The Wheel of Fortune, Still on the Air

Holy Crap! The Wheel of Fortune is still on TV? During an early flip through the channels today (because I'm lost without my Dancing With The Stars) I stumbled upon Pat Sajak and Vanna White. Vanna is still in charge of the letters but doesn't have to turn them anymore, she just pushes a button. Pat couldn't sound any less enthused.
Question? Do the producers of the show pick dumb contestants to play so those of us at home can feel smarter? For the five minutes that I watched, I saw two guys that were a team, go bankrupt twice and ask to buy the vowel A............ twice.
Dude, it's Leprechauns hidden pot of gold. You can't see that?
Apparently in an effort to spice things up, there are teams playing against each other. Tonight was Grads and Dads, clever. The dad on the far right is going to have his hands full with his grad, the hot-headed Wheel of Fortune player that buys for A's before thinking.
During my five minutes of The Wheel of Fortune the camera's didn't zoom in on Pat or Vanna, so I can not report on how well they are holding up. But they have to be the two most boring people in the world after playing Hangman for, what? about 50 years.

Thank You Dancing With The Stars

For entertaining the hell out of me! Call me a geek if you want to but I love Dancing With The Stars and I enjoyed this season a ton! I even voted the last week and I'm convince that I'm the one who was responsible for Kristi Yamaguchi winning the Big Giant Mirror Ball Trophy. I've watched the Cha Cha Face Off on You Tube about 7 times already and decided it needs to be on my blog:

I enjoyed Dancing With The Stars more than American Idol this season. There has been rumor and speculation about Paula Abdule being interested in next season's Dancing with The Stars. Oh please, please, please let that crazy woman be on the next season. That's an entertainment bloggers dream. Is there a petition I can sign to get her on the show?

Getting to the Bottom of LOST

I’m thinking of taking my economic stimulus check, hopping on a plane to Hawaii, then rent a car and drive around the islands until I find out what the hell is going on, on my favorite show LOST.

Who’s with me? I’m going to need a head count when it comes to the car rental part of the trip. I love LOST but I can’t take it anymore. I’m the kind of person that reads the end of a book first. It doesn’t help any that Claire seems to be in on what’s going on. She’s hanging out with her dead father now. I guess that’s more fun than dragging a baby around the jungle week after week.

So when you get your economic stimulus check, let’s go stimulate the hell out of Hawaii and find some answers!

Oh and I haven’t posted on LOST because being the impatient person that I am I’ve found out some spoilers and I’m afraid to slip!

American Idol Dorks

Finally! Jason Castro is free of American Idol. He didn't want to be there anymore than Simon does. I really think he tried out as a bet with his buddies and as a fluke made it as far as he did. I heard Ryan say, "You almost look relieved that you're leaving."
Jason actually said, "Yeah a little bit. There are three songs next week, I didn't know what I was going to do."
After seeing the Ford Mustang Commercial they had to star in, I got down on my knees and thanked the Lord above for a fast-forward button. The four finalists will be haunted the rest of their lives with those embarrassing matador costumes. I can't watch these results shows anymore and expect to keep my sanity.

A Decent Set of Knockers

Only in the name of science could House deliver the line, "Where can I find a decent set of knockers?" My husband and I laughed so hard we cried. House was trying to find out if his patient was impotent. In the name of science I'm telling you. The patient ended up having an allergy to quinine but getting to the diagnosis is quite entertaining. Hey Dr. House! Just look at my previous post!

Just Leave Paula Alone

She's an American Idol treasure for God's sake. And she can tell the future. What would the American Idol wanna-be's do without her infinite wisdom? Go right from Randy's "check it out dawg it was a little pitchy for me" to Simon telling them they sounded like cruise ship entertainment and they are utterly boring and forgettable? Paula is their "take a deep breath" babble buffer. A lull between two storms. A voice of non-sensical, un-constructed criticism. And she tells them they look good.

I've read the blogs. There are those who think enough is enough, Paula should leave the show. The hell you say! She's damn good, live television entertainment!

Explaining LOST

If you are a avid watcher of LOST have you ever tried to explain a scene to anyone that isn't? Last episode the husband decided to stay up instead of going to bed when LOST came on. He's under strict instructions to be quiet until commercials. During the episode when Sawyer found Aaron alone in the jungle crying I knew there was no way I could explain this to him to have it make any sense. But it went a little something like this:

That man in the middle of the night, deep in the jungle, that Claire saw holding her baby, Aaron, is indeed her dad. Only he's suppose to be dead, that's why Jack was in Australia, to bring back his body. Oh, Jack and Claire are brother and sister by the same dead guy, but they don't know they are related. This dead guy keeps showing up on craphole island, Jack found his coffin, conveniently empty.
So Claire followed the dead guy that was holding her baby and disappeared. Aaron, who Claire has been holding since she had him, is alone crying in the jungle. So where the hell is Claire? Walking around the jungle with a dead guy?

You see where I'm coming from? Claire has already gone missing, we've been there and done that. We know something happens to Claire and she doesn't make it off the island and Aaron does. I can't think of anything more annoying as to why if the explanation is that she just disappeared.

Survivor Blindsiding

It's awesome to watch these people get voted off not having a clue that they are about to be blind sided. Three blind sides in a row, Ozzy, Jason and then Alexis. Natalie is becoming quite the Survivor Bitch and it seems to be a role she's very comfortable in. She just might have a place in the top 5 bitches of Survivor secure. She wants to floss her teeth with Jason's jugular. Yikes!

James injured a finger, it got infected and medical took him out of the game. He's one of my favorite survivors. He walked into Tribal council and sat in the jury box hooked up to an IV. Another Survivor first. I'm going to miss him.
I'm enjoying this season. To keep my view of the television shows I watch my own, I've been avoiding the site Television Without Pity. One of my favorite sites and I will be catching up over there during the summer. There are some good writers on that site.

Bra Storage Room

Am I so out of touch with the rest of the women in the world that I didn’t know we are suppose to use our bra’s for storage room? I recently viewed a bra commercial that showed women taking everything from money to their cell phones out of their bra. I thought that was what pockets in your BDU pants were for or your purse. If I put a cell phone in my bra it would fall out. I really don’t have much to keep it secure in there.

Nailed at 9

It's a Home Improvement Show. But I caught your attention didn't I? I guess that's Nailed at 9's master plan too. The husband watches the DIY channel and they just advertised this new show. Holy Crap! It sounds like an Adult Film. How do you talk about that show around the water cooler?